Sunday, March 29, 2015

The Alternative History of India: Gandhi And His Bench Press

If there is a man in the history of mankind to have used his capacity to bench-press 140 kilos of raw salt laden sandbags to the advantage of an entire civilization, it was this man. Unwritten but passed down from generations vocally. Tales of the Mahatma hitting the gym after a quick calorie filled bite and protein shake just after harvesting salt, the climax of the marathon Dandi march, the same morning, are now the stuff of Legend. Much to the surprise of the BBC journalist who telegraphed London, what Gandhi said to him just before he started work on his cardio: “DO U EVEN LIFT BRO?”

Historians, Academic writers and their students have often ignored this vital phase of the Mahatma’s life. When hitting the gym was as important to him as India’s independence. In his own words, Gandhi claimed he only lied once in his life, when his trainer asked him if he knew how to operate the Treadmill. In-fact, Gandhi’s love for the physical exercise at the gym had often spilled into his public life. During the Quit India movement, observing that the crowd gathered to burn Imperial goods as a mark of protest against His Majesty’s Government, hauled in a custom built set of weights that were made for the Maharaja of Mysore, he intervened. Not only did he return the weights, he also autographed them. Today, pictures of the weights with his autograph, adorn the walls of most gyms- right next to that of Megan Fox bending over what appears to be a car’s hood and Arnold Schwarengger (??) Schwaniziger (??!!?) Schwarzenegger (!!) lifting an offshore oil drilling platform with his middle finger, clad in underwear.

Where and how did it begin, tho? How did the man tasked by the gods with leading a people to Freedom and Self-Rule come to love exercise so much? If one delves into the Historical archives and anecdotal accounts of the people who lived and worked with him, it seems that it all began in South Africa. The Mahatma was travelling in First class when an officer of the law, tasked himself to remove Gandhi from the compartment and boot him to Third class, where coloured men like him belonged. When the thin, 30-something man, refused to budge, he was kicked out and onto the platform with what appeared to be his luggage. But in the confusion and chaos of the pushing and shoving, the officer mistook someone else’s luggage for Gandhi’s and left him with it. When Gandhi first opened what outwardly appeared to be his luggage, his eyes fixated on its content. A set of 3 dumb-bells. Although photographic evidence of the same is not available since selfie sticks were still in their development stage and Gandhi’s dual SIM Nokia had no camera, all anecdotal and written records point to this incident as the turning point in his life. It was then, at that moment, that Gandhi decided he would, to paraphrase 21st century lingo, “hit the gym” and also tackle the small but still important matter of relieving a country of 600 million people from their colonial masters. 

That's enough completely accurate and not made up at all history for today. You learned something new.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Tying the Knot, or Noose?

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Well that explains why India is full of Philosophy. Speaking of full, half of the Indians are below the age of 25. And if the figures are right, there will be approximately 313million marriages within the half-decade, assuming that every Indian parent is strictly speaking, Indian.  It’s nothing less than an endemic. Taking 125 million victims every year, it’s clearly far worse than HIV, Cancer or Global Warming combined!

Marriage for a man is losing his Bachelor's degree and to a woman, getting a Master's. The only thing is that both get equal marks and a combined degree in B.ed. Well, the riskiness is much more than Russian roulette. There's a 50 percent chance of fights and a 100% chance of the man losing. 3/4th of the population are married and the rest are successful. The statistics never lie. The scholars can never be more wrong, Desire isn't the root cause of all Misery. Marriage is!

Polygamy in marriages are a rarity these days, however, these days Feminist groups, I fear, may start chanting slogans like  "Why should boys have all the fun", forcing governments to start legalizing Polyandry too. Soon, there will be multiple husbands to multiple wives. And before you know it, Nokia's vision will be fulfilled. People will be connected, indeed.

Indians are born for betrothal, just like sacrificial lambs. Sometimes, though, the in-laws turn out to be out-laws. The Dowry system of course! Men are less expensive in the modern age than they used to be. Back then, a standard fresh-in-the-market bloke could be bartered for at least one Ambassador car and a few thousand bucks. Nowadays, due to recession, we'd be lucky to get an Ambassador's photo. But the logic can’t be that simple, definitely not in the motherland of Arya Bhatta and Ramanujan. The math  goes this way...

Let A= family, B= boy, G= girl, D= dowry

The GA gives D to the BA, now that the BA has D, BA becomes BAD. The rest is GADBAD...

Well, I have witnessed several weddings, and being an avid member of the SMS (Single Mingle Society), I had the privilege of saving countless lives from Eternal Damnation or, at least 30+ years. Apart from untying the chained animals, I have drawn out the blue-print of this bloody-red institution. It's really simple. You'll get the hang of what a marriage is, if you do it only once.

This Censored Documentary goes like this:

It all starts with a baby girl being bornbrought into the house by a stork. The first smile is the Dad’s, for he’s the only one who's neither in pain nor in uniform. The smile soon fades away into a train of thoughts. He immediately visualizes the baby in the wedding attire, but then reality strikes him, she's too little, even for half quarter sarees. He thwarts the idea, "Perhaps, Later!"

At the tender age of 3, the girl asks him, "Dad, why do boys have all the fun?" He gently puts her in her prisoncrib and once again visualizes her walking around the fire. And then it hits him, "She'll lose count of the seven steps".

Years go by, with the father being more and more overprotective until one day, his imaginary wedding ring fits his daughter's finger. Alas! An End to boyfriends, worries, late-returning-homes (by seconds). It's then that he starts seeking the perfect groom for his daughter. The conditions are too many to jot down, so I'll have to shorten the list:

  • The Groom's Parents must be well-educated, wealthy, tall, dark and handsome.
If all of the above conditions are fulfilled, there's no waiting for the celebrations to begin, ofc there's the waiting for the auspicious moment, but it's only a minor thing, unless your birth planet is mars.

(Sorry, Marvin the Martian and J'onn J'onzz) 
NOTE: But marrying an inanimate object like your Smartphone or newspaper before the actual marriage will negate the effects of astrology and stupidity.

Our Nation didn’t achieve freedom until 1947, but even 67 years after Independence, I believe that we are still bound, still not free, from domestic violence, from blocked-websites, from population explosion. This National parasite named 'deathera marriagiasis' or Marriage, needs to be eradicated. Proper vaccines are to be given, and finally flower-girls and ring-bearers must be tranquilized. Stop this injustice. Start Living life!
                                                    Jai HIND!