Tuesday, June 10, 2014

How to Long Distance a Relationship

I never knew I'd be the one doing this! I mean seriously, you kids can't even handle a long distance relationship?! If you can't deal with a thing like that, what'll you do with the tougher parts of life, like choosing between The 'Endoplasmic Ectoplasms of Schrodinger's Cat' Thesis submission and updating your cover pic on fb. Well, the open secret is, Long distance relationships are way easier compared to its icky sticky counterpart. Think of it this way, it's honeymooning, but with less honey and more mooning!

For those of you who're fortunate enough to experience this, let me tell you, don't fret. Let 'D' give you the cues to cure the blues. That's right, this post is dedicated to Long Distance Love or the way my Grandpa calls it, 'Love at Hindsight'! Without further ado, here's five tips to Keep in mind when your bitter-half is out of town. I only speak from Experience, Marilyn Monroe and I get along quite well, despite my being here (Banana Republic) and her being down South (Way down :รพ ). Ok after that further ado about Marilyn, No more further Ados, The Top 5 are :-

5) Do What You Used To : 

The biggest problem that arises due to Long distance is the sense of freedom and we all know what that did to the US. So my first advice to you is to keep up the non-sense that was already happening. Fight with her over the TV remote over the phone, Force the FIFA WC down her throat and/or make him sob over the hourly soap-opera (Sobbing because he can't watch Disney Channel). Not just Television, keep the nostalgia at bay by telling him how it annoys you when he leaves the toilet seat up, even though you did that. Or Yell at her for misplacing your car-keys, a thousand miles away!

4) Attract Suspicion:

Most couples fret about not being in touch with each other. Not knowing what the he/she's doing in their spare time. And It's quite understandable to freakout when they suddenly break out the news of them changing their toiletpaper brand from "St(i/u)ck here"  to "Wi(p/f)e-out". Well I have the right solution to that, Start acting like you're hiding something, watch more of the desperate housewives but only when your wife's visiting! Make her doubt you. Only then will she start keeping a keen eye on you, or Hire one. That way you don't have to tell her anything, she'll already know. sixth sense? You betcha!!

3) Innovative Breakthrough Technologies :

We've already covered one in an earlier post . Have a WonderArm(#3) handy. It can really make a difference. Just Stick a pic of your betterhalf's head in the space provided, but make sure it's creepy enough. So that you won't start doing weird things.And then there's always Facebook, Skype and Whatsapp to keep you company while she's offline. Share Pics of your outings with Friends, Family, Boss, Her Ex, his Ex etc. In other words make her feel at Home, ofc while YOU aren't ;-)

2) Keep Communication lines open, When you're leaving home :

Trust me, When you love someone and they're far away, every conversation counts. Even the ones in which you're not present. That's precisely why you should get an answering machine. That way she can say anything she likes and yet know that you'll be there listening. NOTE: Make sure you set the "Automatically Delete After" interval to 1 hour or less. Lest you have to bear the torture. If you're one of the curious creeps who'd like to check out every message (if more than once, God save you!). Then let me give you a shortcut-mantra to know what to expect.

  • If the message starts with Honey/Baby/Love or the ilk, it means she's in the mood for a talkathon . In short, DELETE!
  • If the message begins with We need to talk/I have something to say, you're screwed. So DELETE!!
  • And when it starts off with How are you today?/Everything alright? It means he needs something, and you know what you have to do. DELETE!!!

1) When all of the above go Horribly wrong :

We have complete faith in all of the above. However there is a one-in-a-quattuordecillion chance that the above MAY not work out for you. In that special case, we suggest you follow our Guru and Mentor Baba Randi's advice, "Don't put all your eggs(chicks) in one basket." The language of course is quite parabolic so let me translate it in a way any Tard, Dick and Hairy can understand, by Name-calling! The Baba with his wise words said that 'When Negative Nacy and Moody Judy make Skype hell, get Whatsapping with Chatty Kathy!'

Well, that's all the advice I can give you at the moment. Also before I forget, to all the bad good-boys who've enjoyed their prom this year, Happy Father's Day in advance ;)

For more help with love, relationships and the other valuable crap in our lives, tune into The D-Mail!

Friday, May 2, 2014

What’s cooler THAN being ICE COLD?

It has always been our endeavour to answer random questions asked by celebrities that were also not actually questions. The quest for knowledge is enshrined in the DNA of the writer and this post is a manifestation of such idiosyncrasies and other difficult words. 

What’s cooler than being ice cold?”  Asked  Outkast, back in 2009.   
Off of the top of my head I can think of the following: 
  • How about a President who is rapper? (YES WE CAN Rap!)
  • A dictator who was a former supermodel? (PLEASE!)
  • Maybe a Prime Minister who was once a weed dealer (once a dealer, always a dealer)

Entertainers for long and porn stars more recently have been/are now a part of society's political intercourse. The music, cinema, art, crime and porn industry of a particular period of time has always drawn inspiration from the events of that time. The "Renaissance" for example  (A period in history when creativity and drug use/abuse/misuse were at an all-time high. Coincidence? I think not).

After some very thorough research on the internet I have come to certain conclusions.
1)    There is a lot of porn on the internet (A LOT!)
2)    Self help is in every corner (How to cavity search in under 10 mins)
       69)  There are some damaged people out there typing out “Sonia Gandhi hot” in the search bar.
       666) A lot of celebrities are now into politics.

Let’s examine “666”- After a lot of “staring at the ceiling + watching a mosquito streak across your mom’s bedroom,” also known as thinking, I have decided I wanted to examine what “kind” of a celebrity is ideal for Politics.
Here’s the lo-down:

  • The Musician: DO YA WANNA ROTI KAPDA MAKAAN or DO YA WANNA ROCK?” is a great way to begin your rallies. You could also write soothing lyrics to try & numb the pain of the woman in labor who has to walk 35 kms to get to a primary health care center. Or worse, you could start off your election rally with a song that has lot of screeching and heavy vocals which could make a few in the crowd go “Mata chhad gayi hai ise” 

ProTip: Never make objectionable statements like ‘Woman shouldn’t wear this or that ‘(If you don’t like them wearing something, tell them they look fat in it).
  •  The Magician: “AND NOW FOR MY LAST TRICK, WATCH ME DISAPPEAR AFTER ELECTION DAY” is a nice pitch to an electorate. They are already used to something similar. What works in your favor is that you could also siphon off a lot of public funds without anyone taking notice, cause “magic” you know. Hell! You could use your magic to bribe that opponent on one of those TV debates. I recommend that trick where you… *endless string of black-money start pouring out of my sleeve* 

ProTip: Always pull rabbits out your hat and opinions out of your ass.

  • The Porn-Star: “I HAVE SOMETHING OTHER THAN MONEY AND ALCOHOL TO GET YOU TO VOTE FOR ME!” will make the voters go “is he/she/it saying what I AM thinking?” Don’t tell em’, keep em' dirty minds guessing. And hey, listen, I bet every voter takes pride in the fact that they can shag off to your hoardings around the constituency.   

ProTip: Do not have anything resembling a stick as your symbol

  •  The Actor: “***INSERT A VERY FILMY DIALOGUE HERE***” You’re already experienced in fleecing the public at large when you first started acting in movies, with scripts your 4 year old nephew wrote. You know the ones that blew up the box office and made your MMS scandal worth the while. This is a REALLY huge advantage for you. Your thoughts on policy making, international affairs etc are of no use. 
       ProTip: Just remember who the country's important leaders are and what posts they hold unless you want to become the BHATT of all jokes. 
As we did mention, this is part of our SERIOUSNESS campaign, where we discuss topics that your grandfather is too ashamed to. And this is the serious-est it gets. If you wanted an ever more serious-er post. I seriously consider you seriously lighten up, I mean Seriously!